*sigh*
Okay so you may not like this post, and you may chose to not read it.
This one isn't really sure that she should comment here on such a touchy subject. Please do not let this situation drive you to negativity and thoughts of betrayal. The openness you have been sharing and started to share is so important, there are at times things in this sharing experience you will not like, for both concerned. You don't really know me, and you have absolutely no reason to trust me when i say this... move forward from this and realize that in order to share an open experience, there will be negative things you will discover both about yourself and your mother, it's inevitable, no one is perfect. And if you will also notice, this information was not told to you until there was this openness this sharing situation, keep in mind you may not have been that open to hearing it in the first place then you think you were, or are now.
The simple fact, and i do realize you are looking at this as you would have had the ability to act accordingly had you had all the facts. The simple fact that your mother asked, if that is the truth, and given the answer, doesn't mean it was her responsibility to tell you. I don't mean to be harsh but ... Why didn't you ask? if you were given the truth, you would have acted accordingly and perhaps changed how things have been done. This was your relationship, the ending of your marriage, not your mothers, by virtue of her asking, because she got an answer? did that mean she had a responsibility to tell you? hurt you? Unfortunately, you didn't ask, you can't take that back. When one divorces there are guilt on both sides, anger, fear and thoughts of betrayal, grief and loss.. loss of love, loss of family, loss of relationships etc. I am sure the decisions you made in relation to how you handled things, your main concern was your daughter, to ensure that she had a good life, could be taken care of by your x while you are away, and that this ending of this marriage be and go as smoothly as it possibly could in order to save your daughter from fights, innuendo, lies, bad feelings on both sides. I'm sure your decisions made were based on your love for your daughter and not how easy you were making it end or not how easy you were making it on your x. Please remember the harder you made it the less you give, the more your daughter would suffer.
It's easy to lash out when angry, and feeling like you have been betrayed by someone you love, someone you trust and someone that has been recently so open with you and your feelings and sharing her thoughts of life, love and everything else. The betrayal was not that of your mothers hon, it happened when the secret happened. Thing is you dismiss how you are beyond being angry at your x and wish her a wonderful fulfilled life, and yet your anger and hurt turns to your mother. Place blame hon where it should be. If you really had wanted to know the actual factual situation you could have very easily asked your x yourself... would she have told you the truth? who knows. But the responsibility of how one acts in ones life as an adult it is that persons responsibility not that of your mother, your father or anyone else.
You may think that you have been betrayed and your trust broken and view your mother in another light. Your thinking in misplaced anger. Perhaps some day T you will know the position this placed your mother in. Perhaps in the future when your daughter is grown, when she is starting to learn to love and you end up in a situation of knowing something that will hurt her, will affect your relationship with her. will affect the person she loves, when you know without a doubt no matter if you speak or hold your tongue both will cause destruction, the feeling of guilt, betrayal and drama. Perhaps just perhaps you will see things in a different light. You might even make a decision to keep it to yourself. Perhaps though through this experience you will learn something from it.. perhaps you will know how to handle a similar situation in the future. But keep in mind... if you reject the openness and sharing that you have started with your mom, just remember you may not get this sort of trial run, experience... simply because.. you could not forgive? Seems you were perfectly capable and able to forgive your x of many things yet when it comes to your mother, you will let her suffer the loss of communication, the loss of being open, the loss of trust, and the loss of respect from her son. This one really does not think that your mother deserves such treatment.
Perhaps you should talk to your mother about the late nights it has caused, the lack of sleep, the discontent, the feeling sick, simply because she asked a question. I am not saying this because I knew about this situation i am saying this because i know your mother, i know how things affect her.
I don't really see your mother as one to interfere in your relationships, but only to support you, your child and your new found love, i don't see your mother as someone as interfering, negative and continuing to assault you with negative comments about anyone in your life, friends, lovers or even x wife. Your mother is a person of love, wants nothing but what is best for her children, loves and supports not only financially, but also with her own belongings, her collections, lovingly passing them to her children, so that they can enjoy them and use them like she would. The care packages, the writings, the support emotionally and wanting to get to know your new found love as well.
I realize you have sat back and thought about this situation, and i understand lashing out and needing to speak about the pain caused, etc. I do however think that you need to take a step back and realize this situation was not your mothers doing, granted she made a decision not to tell you, for the simple reason she didn't want to see you hurt. It wasn't a deliberate attempt at ruining your belief, your trust and your openness with your mother, it was taking the opportunity to tell you something in open context.
I know you don't understand the lifestyle i am in and i know you feel i am a visionary, but there is one thing in this lifestyle ... that my owner, my Master and i have always done, that one will never be punished for their thoughts and feelings... that they will be discussed worked out but never punished for. This little rule can do the people in what we call the vanilla world..( though i truly do hate that word)... a world of good... the act on your mothers part was to tell you the truth, even though she knew it would hurt you, and she knew this would hurt your opinion of her. Forgive and move on hon... this path isn't one you really want or need to tread.
just my two cents.
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